In light of the holidays, I think it's important to talk about how we can express gratitude in our relationships when dealing with chronic pain. It's not just about you showing gratitude to your partner for helping you on your pain journey, but receiving that back as well. Both parties deserve respect and acknowledgement for their efforts, regardless of the individual circumstances.
When having the type of sex we've been told by society is "normal", aka penis in vagina, is difficult or sometimes even impossible, this can build resentment in a boy girl relationship. Whether you are married, newly exclusive, or even open, a sexual relationship is basically assumed to go along with a romantic one for adults. Over the years I've been told all kinds of things by guys who were not ok with our lack of "sex": "It's like we're in junior high", "What if we do just the tip?", "Why can't we just go for it? You're so wet. It'll be fine." The list goes on and on. In my 30's I have far less tolerance for these kinds of comments than I did in my 20's, because it comes down to the other person just plain not listening or understanding what I have explained about how my body works. I think when these occurrences happen with a mature individual it's a teachable moment and we should take the time to discuss alternatives to penetration and both parties' expectations for intimacy. If the person is just immature then bid them adieu and move along, sister, because you deserve better.
Something I've taken from my Vaginismus treatment program that I feel is super helpful to strengthening your partner's involvement is the concept of rewarding each little sign of progress. This can be as simple as going to a movie, getting some ice cream, or a small gift from your partner to show they are proud of you and your efforts. If you haven't discussed your love languages with each other, this is a great way to introduce them and put them into play. If your love language is "Words of Affirmation" then a compliment from your lover will go a long way. Your partner could boost your spirits with a romantic text, a sweet letter, or a whisper in your ear with sentiments of love. If "Quality Time" is your love language then a well planned date, a cozy night in together, or a weekend getaway are good options. For those with "Touch" as their love language a long hug, tickle fest, or a heartfelt massage should suffice. "Gift Giving" love languagers are pretty straight forward: flowers, chocolate, or jewelry may do the trick for them. Finally, those who fall into the "Acts of Service" category desire having something taken off their plate; this could be washing the dishes, dropping the kids off at school, or cooking dinner. If you aren't sure what your love language is you can take a quiz online to find out. Most of us are a mix but lean more towards one. It's probably not a surprise that I, as a writer, am a "Words of Affirmation" type.
COVID-19 has certainly made relationships harder, trapping us at home together with little escape. It was predicted that there would be many babies conceived during this time, but in fact it has served to increase the number of divorces and breakups. I fall into that category myself as someone who had a quarantine boyfriend and no longer do. The lack of travel, seeing family members, and even going to work has forced us all to sit at home and face our innermost demons and in some cases brought out the worst in us. Alcoholism, porn addiction, and depression haven't been done any favors by this isolation either. Often times we are shoved into a small space with our partner, whom we may not have even known very long, and it's just up to us to work through our arguments with no space to cool off or decompress. Due to these circumstances, it's really important to have particularly solid, open communication about your wants and needs. This could be stating your boundaries, asking for more or less attention, or suggesting ways to spice things up in the bedroom. Whatever the case may be, you must find a way to have the conversation with your partner where you both feel comfortable and neither person views it as an attack.
Once you've been with someone for a while, which comes at a different point in every relationship, the thrill can grow dull, the passion subsides, and what used to feel exciting just becomes mundane. It happens to the best of us and you don't want to blame either party when it eventually occurs, but use it as an excuse to open yourself up to new avenues. Don't forget that purchasing new lingerie, trying a new sex toy, or introducing role play can liven up even the deadest of intimacies. However, it's not always about the physical side of the relationship. Sometimes couples just need to grow closer emotionally and can accomplish it from simply selecting a new hobby to partake in as a unit: watching a series, taking a painting class, or learning a skill together. For me and some other couples I know, we've found polyamory to be really helpful for our sex lives. If my boyfriend can accomplish penetration with someone else and still have fun with me then it takes the pressure off trying to make PIV sex work, so we can focus on just enjoying outercourse, oral, and anything else we want to do together. It also allows me to not feel tied down by monogamy, which can make it difficult for me to try all of the positions and toys that do make sex possible for me as I continue on my journey to pain free intercourse.
In the end, it's incredibly important that whomever you are involving yourself with is on the same page as you, as soon as possible, to allow for a mutually satisfying experience. Don't forget to be silly sometimes, make each other laugh, talk about shared interests, take a walk and hold hands, or have a picnic in the park. If you are just starting dating and are worried about how to discuss your pelvic issues to a potential new partner, you can read about that here. If you are looking for a professional's advice on how to navigate these issues with your significant other there are many lovely relationship counselors out there, so I encourage everyone who is willing to find one. You may learn some valuable information about yourself that could help you in the future, if not in your current set up. In the past I think we've only focused on seeking out these sessions during engagement, but they can be very beneficial long before you reach that stage, especially if you are dealing with an unusual condition like Vaginismus or Vulvodynia which have direct consequences on your sex life. Whatever problem you may be facing with your loved one, just remember these things take time. Nothing is fixed overnight and a worthy partner will be willing to wait.