Dyspareunia, or painful sex, can feel like it's dominating your life sometimes, but especially when it comes to having to reveal your secret to another person. Friend, family, lover, or medical professional, all of these people have the potential to scar us with their ignorance in the moment we decide to be vulnerable and explain what's happening to our body. I write this blog not to discourage anyone from telling their doctor or potential partner about their issues, but to hopefully provide some solace by relation. I know we've all heard variants of these phrases uttered to us, and it's about time we draw attention to how ludicrous some of them can be, and help outsiders differentiate between what's helpful and what isn't.
Doctors have said: What seems to be the most common, "Just have a glass of wine first to help you relax," uttered by the GP I went to at 22 after not tolerating a pelvic exam a 2nd year in a row. "Oh, you don't actually have Vaginismus. That's a really serious condition that's hard to get rid of," was said to me by a gynecologist downtown that was the closest I could find to my job as a teacher, after I told her I was self diagnosed, quickly followed by "Oh no, you DO have it" after I almost jumped off the table when she tried to perform an exam on me anyway.
Then I've seen doctors who DO get it, and heard a plethora of reaffirming comments that I'm not alone in suffering from this problem, like "oh great, another gyno traumatizing a patient," "well of course a dry piece of plastic isn't easy to slip in so you can apply lube to it (referring to a tampon)," and "we all get tight muscles and everyone should stretch daily, PC muscle and otherwise."
Guys have said: "Wait, did you want us to do it right now?" on our first date as we sat in my car and I told him about my Vaginismus. The same guy flipped out on me a month later when we tried and it hurt and yelled "you're always going to be this way! It's never going to get better!" and left me sobbing in my room as he took off. Two years prior to that experience a guy told me, not once, but three times, "that was the worst sexual experience of my life" after we tried but he got soft so nothing happened. Even a statement as simple as "Oh, I'm not the guy to help with that," after we'd been seeing each other for 2 months already was certainly not the response I was hoping for after finally mustering up the courage to spill the beans and absolutely crushed me. Isn't online dating the best?
Then there's some men that I was friends with first, so you expect a better reaction, but alas, this is still not always the case. They've said things like "Can't we just try the tip?", or my favorite, after trying a finger, "I've felt tighter". The male sex can be particularly crass, and at times shocking, in their foot in mouth responses to our hardships. Take a deep breathe and try not to chop their head off when they say things like this without thinking first.
Sometimes, though, people can surprise you. Other reactions I've had from new dudes: "I don't see anything here that's a deal breaker," "That's really fascinating, I can't wait to learn more about it," "oh, that's nothing, I've heard some weird shit and that doesn't even skim the surface," and "But what do you like? Can I go down on you?" Everyone is different in terms of processing heavy information so some people will need more time to come up with a response or may just remain silent, and that's ok. It's important to give a person space to take in what you've told them and make sense of it, but always give accolade to those who respond well right away, as they are few and far between.
For me personally, the reactions of my friends and family haven't really stuck. For the most part they don't really get it and just listen. The most support I've received from a friend came from my old roommate who was undergoing the 12 step program from AA while I was doing my 10 step program from the Vaginismus.com website. These programs coincided more than one would expect so we held each other accountable. He would remind me to go dilate if we were watching TV late at night, celebrate with me when I had any minor success, and he even threw me an epic bachelorette party when I finally lost my virginity (separate blog about this lovely night to come later). This is why I tell women to confide in someone outside of your doctor and partner so they can help you on this journey. Even if just to have someone to say "hey, I moved up a dilator size last night!" or "we tried and it was excruciating," can make all of the difference in maintaining emotional normalcy while you're trying to beat this. No point in making a difficult time more difficult by bottling it all up inside, so reach out to someone and let your inner thoughts be known. Someone out there will appreciate your bravery and courage in tackling what can at times feel insurmountable but is totally within your means to beat.