So I'm not gonna lie, I read this entire zine in one, technically two, sittings. It took about two hours so I got up for a bathroom and water break in the middle. What can I say? It packs a powerful punch. Opening Up achieves what one would expect from a zine back in the 90's: multiple perspectives from various writers' submissions and a DIY style of drawings and cut and paste words offered as illustrations to the poems and essays within. However, it is nicely printed on glossy paper and compiled in chapters in such a neat fashion that it comes off as professional as a textbook, or more like an adult novel imitating a children's book than a makeshift magazine. I give this publishing style choice, as well as the content within, an A+.
What can you expect in a zine put together by a chronic vulvogainal pain podcast? Simply put, five sections which consist of: how to read it, secrets, desire, treatment, and healing. More literally, the zine is compiled of poems, short essays, quotes, comics, letters and emails to doctors, printed images, and tactful drawings and paintings of vaginas from pain sufferers and pelvic floor therapists alike, sharing their personal stories experiencing and/or treating Vaginismus, Endometriosis, and Vulvodynia/Vestibulodynia. It falls into the category of creative nonfiction, like memoirs, only these are short quips from many different people's lives. This has personally become my favorite genre in adulthood after always reading and writing fiction growing up and for my minor in college. There's just something about diving into another's personal experience and seeing it through their eyes, in a non-dry fashion that is an autobiography, that really gets me going. Creative nonfiction adds the story telling element to make the reader's experience more sensory and detailed, to where they go with the writer on the journey, for better or worse. Despite the trigger warnings at the top of some of the entries, please know that there is no graphic description in here. The tone of this zine is not light summer reading, but ranges from eloquent descriptions to erotic encounters to messages of hope and longing. The range of emotions is wide and allows the reader to explore all angles of the multifaceted world that is overcoming chronic pelvic pain, from the isolating secret to the empowering overcoming.
How will reading this make you feel? The topics within Opening Up are pretty hard hitting, I believe, regardless of whether you can relate to them or not, so this could be difficult to take in, depending on your current mental state. I think the isolation we all feel from the global pandemic already has us in the perfect position to handle this, because we've all been trapped with our inner thoughts longer than we'd like to admit. I felt a mixture of relief, sympathy, empathy, and inspiration reading through it. I really appreciated seeing some entries from women who've had a Vestibulectomy, like me, since it is not super common, and a woman who mentioned that it sounded crazy to get one, haha, because readers need to hear both perspectives on the vulva removal surgery. One particular essay made me tear up because the ending caught me by surprise. For some reason I was shocked to find features in here from older women, as in beyond my mother's age, but I shouldn't be. I've read Susanna Kaysen's The Camera My Mother Gave Me, which she did not write until she was postmenopausal. I'm also perfectly aware of how, even after my own 8 year journey to a societal deemed "normal" sex life, the memories of the inner turmoil and emotional trauma you experience during recovery never leave you completely as you can always look back and recall how it felt to fall asleep crying for the life you crave but don't truly think you'll ever achieve. And you know what's funny, not haha funny, but like "wow, this is me" funny? Check out this spread from the middle of the zine. It matches my cover photo. Some of the products featured here that aren't in my own picture are actually ones I've used, too, and just didn't include.
Why should you read this when the context is so sad, visceral, and at times, bleak? Because if not you, who? If not now, when? That's the most honest response I can give. If those of us who experience these issues, these "vagina problems", as Lara Parker coined them, then how can we expect outsiders to? I think this zine offers amazing insight to people in our lives who don't know how this feels first hand but may experience some of the side effects second hand, like our partners, friends, and family. Reading this could give them a look into your nightly routine or a greater explanation as to what you truly mean when you say "my vag is really hurting today": aka, I've been icing it on and off since this morning or I couldn't put on a pair of pants to save my life. These things can be difficult to say directly, so we often beat around the bush, so to speak, and having text that does the opposite of this is very important to getting real exposure for our problems. We want doctors, lovers, bosses, everyone really, to read these truth bombs and have their minds explode from the wisdom within. It would be nice just to not have to go into a long, drawn out explanation of my past for once and hand someone this zine instead and say "look, this happened to me at the gyno, too," flip the page "so now I have PTSD like this woman," flip 10 pages, "therefore, I have non-penetrative sex like her, but" flip to the end "I am still dilating and going to therapy as is described here to teach my body how to relax and accept penetration". I have craved a short, concise way of describing my dilemma, as I'm sure many of you have as well. Here presents an opportunity.
If you haven't listed to the Tight Lipped podcast, you should do so asap. You can find it on Spotify. You should also follow their Insta @tightlippedpod and join their mailing list from the website so you don't miss out on any opportunities to submit work to the next zine, purchase this one, or join their vulvovaginal themed book club! Tight Lipped is paving the way for getting us media coverage and they need all the support they can get. They do receive funding from the National Vulvodynia Association, which lets you know that this group of individuals is legit and knows what they are doing.
I will close with this cute picture of my brother's dog, who lay beside me in bed the entire time I read this zine. They say animals always know when you need comfort and I've definitely found that to be true throughout my life. Bandit could tell that I was "in the zone" with this reading material, as I'm one who really needs the tangible sensation of turning pages and the smell of freshly printed paper. I am old school in that way. Dogs knows the drill: fall asleep down here and my relaxation will spread to the human above. Any time I felt like the reading was getting to be a bit too much I just leaned forward and gave him a pet, which both grounded and soothed me back into finishing Opening Up. All I can say is, these voices need to be heard, not soon but now, and giving women the ability to choose whether they wish to be published anonymously or not is a glorious way of giving them power over their conditions and a right to "choose" something involving an unfortunate situation that dominates so much of our daily lives.
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