Yes, it may sound cheesy, but I schedule everything and give it a name to help me remember: thus began "dilate-o-clock". This is the term I use to tell people in my life that I am no longer free, I must dilate at this time (10 p.m. most nights, maybe 9:30 if I finish everything else up early). Having a simple terminology saves me the time of having to explain away "it's that time of night where I must stick these plastic objects inside me to stretch myself out so I can have PIV sex in a few days." My close friends and partners all know what dilate-o-clock means and not to push me to hang out longer because dilating is my top priority, and for good reason. If you set up this expectation with people who are close to you they will respect it, and you, and work to help you meet your goal of pain free and pleasurable PIV.
What is dilating? If you need a crash course on how to dilate, who should be doing it, and why, you can read my introductory blog to dilating for pelvic pain here. This post is intended for intermediate dilators who have been at it for a while and have maybe reached a point where it's harder and harder to force themselves to keep going. This rut happens to us all so read on to learn how to reframe your thinking on the act of dilation.
Why is scheduling a set time to dilate so important? This matters because just like an exercise routine or any other plan, if you don't set aside a designated time to do it you simply won't do it. It's easy to commit to in the beginning and of course you'll feel motivated and driven to keep pushing yourself... but then you hit a roadblock. It gets more difficult, painful, you have a rough period... Any number of things can trigger your brain's "fuck this" response that will make you call it quits. Don't give it an added reason by being laissez faire with your dilating sessions. When you set a time to do a given task not only does it become natural in your brain but also in your body. Your vagina will start to get into relaxation mode right before you start stretching and preparing as it anticipates this slowing down routine that leads to the actual dilation act and before you know it you've trained yourself to wind down before the mental wind down mode even begins.
How do I fit this into my busy schedule? If I can do it, anyone can, plain and simple. I work a full time job, volunteer part time at the local cat café, care for my own cat by myself, cook, clean, work out, host a book club, write this blog, care for my autistic brother, and maintain an avid social life. I even sleep 7.5 hours most nights, truthfully. A lot of my life is spent on emotional labor with the fact that I am finding foster homes for refugees, furrever homes for cats, and caring for a special needs kitty and sibling. With all of that going on I need some relief at the end of the night with some time to myself. Many people probably wouldn't view it this way, but for me dilating is an act of self care. I typically look forward to it! I get to put on some comfy pjs or lingerie, lean back, take some deep breaths, and gently stretch myself while I listen to something soothing, read a book, or watch TV. When all is said and done I get to revel in my progress and say things like:
"Wow! I never make it up to this size the first night of dilating after my period!"
or
"Hey, those all slipped right in with minimal effort and I was worried I would be sore from yesterday!"
So you see there are multiple options of how you can speak positive affirmations to yourself to provide encouragement for a job well done and train your brain to want to repeat the act tomorrow. Maybe dilating when you first wake up and your body is still relaxed works better for you. Maybe dilating on your lunch break or right after work makes more sense. It honestly doesn't matter when it falls, as long as it's during a time when you know you can let your thoughts and body go to allow the dilators a smooth entry. Once you get used to the idea of this being a regular occurrence you will have the whole dilating session down like clockwork!
What dilators should I use? The awesome news is there are SO many brands, styles, shapes, sizes, and textures to choose from now! You can get any kind for any type of lube (just make sure they are compatible). Pictured above is the Intimate Rose set of 8 dilators which is comparable to the silicone dilators from Soul Source. This brand is run by a pelvic floor physical therapist and trusted by many, so even though I haven't used these myself, I do use their other products and would highly recommend them. Pictured below is a 4 dilator set from Sh! Women's Store, another renowned brand with very high ratings. This one is based in the UK and I've been told that these purple dilators are a bit stiffer to the touch and less bendy than other comparable brands, but still silicone. The slender, more pointed shape makes them easier to insert so they can be a great asset to a beginner at dilating.
The next set I want to share with you is by Vuvatech. These pink, plastic dilators come in a set of 7 with a consistent wide diameter to help your body maintain the stretch. I frequently see positive reviews for these as well. What makes them unique is that these are the only dilators made out of Neodymium magnets. What does that mean? According to their website, 60 of these magnets are placed inside of each dilator and when they align with a painful area it draws fresh blood to the nerves and muscles creating a positive energy field. This counteracts the acidity in the body and accelerates healing to reduce pain. You can read more about it here for an in depth explanation on their website or here from someone who has tried them herself.
The last dilator I want to showcase is CalExotics' Inspire set. These are also pink and silicone, coming in a set of 5, however they come in a curved shape that makes the insertion angle easier on your wrist. I have short arms so I imagine a set like this would be wildly beneficial for me but I'm sticking with my originals because they've worked well for me so far. I also like the circle at the end of these so you have something to hold onto that's a bit more logical to me than the handle which comes alongside plastic sets.
I will say this, I know for some people cost is the most important factor in selecting a set, and I don't blame anyone for that, but know that the more dilators that exist in a set, the smaller the jump is between sizes, and thus the easier it is to size up. That's not an opinion, just science, so choose wisely. Note that if you are really struggling going from one size to another you can also buy individual dilators from Soul Source and find ones between the ones you currently own. This isn't cheap but may be worth it if you are stuck and don't know how to move up.
What's the take away? Back when I started dilating a decade ago we just had the medical grade, white plastic dilators to work with and it was "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit." Now there is a variety of options on the market, all around the world, and you can even buy some for less than $100! I know sometimes you just don't feel up to getting sticky, washing the dilators, lying out a towel, and the whole 9 yards associated with doing a dilating session, but in the end the more consistently you practice the better your experience with PIV will be. Take it from someone who only has pleasurable penetration if she dilates 4 days prior...this is worth your while!