In honor of Vaginismus Awareness Day, I want to take the time to explore a concept I’ve read about extensively but had never actually considered how it applies to those of us with the big V. This will hit home for some more than others, but I think it’s important to explore this topic and how you can use this idea to your benefit in your overcoming journey.
What is Performative Sex?
This term refers to the conscious effort we make to put on a “performance”, so to speak, exaggerating our true feelings of the sensations in our body during the act of sex. It focuses primarily on orgasm and following a strict, traditional routine of how sex between two people following gender roles should go in a heteronormative fashion. While this could be any type of sex, for the sake of this blog and how it pertains to those of us on the overcoming Vaginismus path, I am using this to describe PIV sex.
How Does this Differ from Pleasurable Sex?
While this may seem obvious to some, it’s easier to understand in theory than actually participate in it (more on that later). We don’t always practice what we preach so keep this in mind. Pleasurable sex in this context simply means that you are truly enjoying the act and expressing this honestly with your partner, though the sounds, facial expressions, and body movements that you are making. Orgasm isn't expected, though it's nice if it occurs, and you are more focused on ensuring both parties are enjoying themselves and are free to quit whenever they want. See the pic below for more details:
How Does this Playout in my Life?
Personally, I have a very low tolerance for pain and this is probably why I don’t fit into the category of performative sex. If something hurts me I say stop or “oww” and the guy automatically stops. Sometimes, like many others, I just want to push through it and keep going anyway, so if a guy asks if I want to stop I’ll generally say “no, I’ll tell you if I want to be done.” Here is a key point to note. It’s not just about agreeing to complete the act or forego for now, but WHY you make this choice. Is it for him or yourself?
Sometimes we just want the guy to finish, whether it is to save his ego or for fear of him resenting us afterwards for calling it quits too soon. Other times we just want to speed up the process so we put on a show, being extra loud or flailing around hoping it will push him over the edge faster and we can stop enduring the pain. For me, when I push through penetration despite my body signaling that it’s not going well right now, it’s to prove to myself that I can do it. We’ve all heard the saying that we’re our own biggest critic, right? Well, it’s true. I fear my own self judgement way more than that of my partner when it comes to intimacy issues.
Why do women do this so much more frequently than men?
In short, you can blame the patriarchy. We are brought up being told everything about our bodies is wrong, we are too fat or too thin, we are either a slut or a tease, we should dress a certain way, act a certain way, and be a "lady". We're not a true feminist if we shave, we're a lesbian if we have short hair, we need to put products in our vaginas so they smell like flowers, we are "friend zoning" the nice guy who deserves access to our body because he wants it, and bringing up menstruation ever is absolutely taboo. The list goes on and on, but in short, we are so used to being told not to whine or speak up for ourselves, otherwise we're bossy or bitchy, so just keep quiet and endure. Some women are self conscious about the face they make when they orgasm so they try not to. Others are embarrassed of how they look naked so they hide under the sheets or in the dark. It's hard to unlearn these behaviors we exhibit after years of being told what to do, but I'm here to say, you are beautiful and desirable and your partner wants to be in bed with you or he wouldn't be there!
So What Can You Do to Combat the Urge to Participate in Performative Sex?
You should always ask yourself these questions:
What am I gaining from this experience?
How will I feel about this exchange in an hour?
How will I feel about this exchange tomorrow?
How will this affect my relationship with this person in the long run?
Did this exchange actually make us closer or further the emotional divide?
While it may seem ideal in the moment to turn up the heat by appearing really into the lackluster sex you’re having, you have to stop and ask what that’s truly accomplishing. Are you teaching your partner what you enjoy? No. Are you pushing to make sure the next encounter goes better for you? No. So what exactly are you gaining by pretending this is the best sex of your life?
For many I think it’s just an attempt to avoid an awkward situation or hurting a guy’s feelings. Naturally, there are few things more sensitive than a man’s ego when it comes to what he does in the bedroom. While this may be the case, it doesn’t help him learn to please you by shunning the topic altogether. It is often recommended, if you are worried about the outcome of such a conversation, to bring it up later when you aren’t in the middle of getting busy. Make sure you are both in a calm disposition and pull your guy aside, asking if you can talk to him about something for a minute. Make sure to let him know what you DO like that he’s already doing and tell him what else he could try that would turn you on. Show him on his body what you like if you think he’s more of a hands-on learner. Not everyone can easily follow verbal directions without some extra guidance (show don’t tell).
What is Fawning?
I’ve mentioned this in my blog before, but Fawning is the newest term in the Stress Response (Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn). It is a trauma response a person follows when they are people pleasing out of fear of the other person’s reaction. I find that this is fairly common with Vaginismus because we often feel like a burden to our partner, like our body is defective, so we owe it to him to complete the deed (regardless of how we’re feeling during the act). However, this shouldn’t be taken lightly because responding in this way is only furthering the trauma cycle. He will continue to perform painful sex with you (since he thinks you are into it) and you will continue to pretend that you like it. No one wins in this situation. You may think he’s winning if he’s finishing, but he would be so upset if he knew you were fighting back tears behind that fake orgasmic expression on your face. This is not the way to go. This eventually leads to losing your sense of self and what you actually desire and no one wants that.
It's easy to get distracted during sex and worry about what's on your mind instead of savoring the moment.
Practicing mindfulness can help combat this tricky hang up. You must train your brain to focus on the "now" and be engaged with your partner, feeling the sensations in your body and creating similar sensations in his. I'm very much a "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" in terms of intimacy so I'm all about expressing myself through touching and kissing. There are seriously SO many ways you can please one another that have nothing to do with penetration if you just work on getting to know each other's soft spots and using them to your advantage. If you feel like you and your partner haven't gotten the chance to test out what feels good with one another you can try practicing sensate focus exercises until you figure it out.
At the end of the day, the best sex is accomplished when both partners communicate their desires effectively. I know it’s easier said than done, but truthfully, the more you can open up and explain the ins and outs of your passions the more likely he will be to fulfill them. If neither person ever comes forward about their secret kinks or turn offs they’re too embarrassed to share then sex can get boring pretty fast. Experimenting, whether that be as simple as trying a new position or adding a toy, or as extreme as incorporating another person or doing it in public, keeps things interesting and helps you both find new experiences to bond over. If for no other reason, the most important draw to communicating about sex with a serious partner is to deepen your trust of one another and truly allow yourself to “let go” with that person. Once you have that kind of faith in another your body will learn to release the PC muscle and allow him entry without the fear, but you can’t accomplish that in a relationship built on people pleasing, so speak up and let your thoughts be heard.