We've all been waiting anxiously for 2021 and it's finally arrived! For many of us this means we're getting serious about our New Years' Resolutions and meeting our goals by this time next year. I'm sure many of you can relate, but mine has been some variant of this sentiment since at least 2012: learn how to have sex without pain. Easier said than done, right? That's why I want to focus on some tips I have to help you make it happen, because you never know, this could be your year!
#1: Dilate consistently. You've most likely heard this over and over, but it bears repeating because it's true. I've seen talk lately about how it works better for some people to only dilate once a week and I just want to ask... how? Consider this. The point of dilating is to comfortably stretch your PC muscle until it is wide enough to accept whatever penetration you are trying to accomplish (whether that be a tampon, finger, speculum, sex toy, or penis). So, how does waiting a week in-between accomplish this? Every body is different and will shrink back down at a different time, but it will be less than a week without a doubt. It's just like working out any other muscle. When you go a whole week without returning to the gym, it's hard. However, it's also important not to overwork your muscles, too. You really must listen to the message your body is telling you. If you are sore from the previous day's dilating then it's a good idea to skip it. Also, if you are itching, burning, or have any symptom that could be an infection, skip it. If you are going to the gyno or physical therapy in the morning and don't want to make yourself sore before the appointment, skip it. I will skip the day after having penetrative sex because I don't want to overdo it and feel that my body needs a break after that activity. These are acceptable excuses to delete your dilating session that day, but you have to set a reasonable schedule for assessing when you are ready to jump back in. As with anything else, once you go without it's easier to keep doing it, so you have to hold yourself accountable by giving yourself incentive to do it the following day or week when your body has recovered.
#2: Try a new approach. There are SO many methods to beating pelvic pain issues that it can feel overwhelming choosing one, but the start of a new year is a great time to reassess if your current method is working for you or not. If you haven't seen any progress in a few months it might be time to change something up. Maybe you've been tackling the mental side but haven't addressed the physical aspect of your condition yet. It could be time to take the plunge. Sometimes people go straight to dilating without acknowledging past trauma, anxiety, or stressors which may be holding you back, so if this sounds like you consider taking a breather from the physical side and finding a counselor, therapist, or journaling to work through your inner demons. You never know what slight change could make all the difference in your recovery journey. Sometimes it's as simple as taking a medication by mouth or suppository. I decided to remove the handle from my plastic dilators one day and BOOM, they suddenly slid in so easily because the angle of insertion was more accurate for me (I have short arms so the handle was making it nearly impossible to reach and thus causing me to kind of stab my vaginal wall in a painful way). You just have to think outside the box sometimes to find what works for you. I tend to dilate on the couch these days watching a show I've seen before or reading a book I enjoy, because it feels more casual and makes me look forward to my session. It's a part of my nighttime routine and since I thrive on structure I find the whole thing very comforting.
#3: Find a new dr. We're pretty used to being told this is all in our head or that we just need to drink a glass of wine to endure it. This is the medical advice women have grown accustomed to since it's so freaking common. This is absurd and don't accept it. It can be very difficult to find a doctor in your area who specializes in your conditions, but don't stop until you do. I'm lucky to live in Houston where we have a huge medical district and a good network of informed professionals on pelvic pain, but it still took me 4 years after my 2nd traumatizing pelvic exam to get diagnosed and another year to get a gyno, physical therapist, sex therapist, and psychologist that I liked. The personality of your doctors needs to gel with you in order for you to be successful. When I was starting to tackle my issues I was very downtrodden and felt like this had taken over my life so I found that doctors who were too negative did not work for me. I really needed encouragement and hope that I wouldn't, in fact, die a virgin. Some women desire a doctor with certain religious beliefs or a functional doctor or natural healer. Whatever your preference, there is someone out there for you, they just may be a long drive away. The good news is, once you find a doctor who knows about these things, they can often refer you to others to give you the foundation you need to have a full support system. Remember, even if you are single, you can still tackle this stuff with the aide of a lovely team of doctors. It's a wonderful thing to have women you can check in with, report progress and setbacks to, and cry to when you need it. These ladies should have your back in all situations.
#4: Buy some new products. I can't express enough the need to be open minded on this journey about what you're willing to try. If you had asked me 10 years ago if I would ever use CBD lube or a curved vibrator I would've said you're crazy. Nowadays if someone recommends something that worked for them or I find an interesting looking tool on the internet for less than $50 I'm probably buying it. This year during quarantine I've experimented A LOT and I've had some pretty good experiences. I've already mentioned before that I recommend Desert Harvest and OhNut's products, but I'm always trying new things and adding them to my aptly named "vagina drawers" (last year there was just 1 but now I've upgraded to 2!). I recently purchased a rideable vibrator by Ruby Glow for women who can't do penetration and it's the first sex toy I've bought purely for fun and not as a partner for dilating. I'll write a review once I try it out, but I haven't gotten the chance yet since I've been out of town. The point is, buy all the lubes and all the toys until you find the perfect match for you. One of the most unbelievable parts of my story: the day after I bought my fit stick to rub out the muscle tension in my thighs and release trigger points I lost my virginity. I truly feel that this $20 fitness tool is what did it because my legs be tense, ya'll. If you haven't invested in a foam roller yet, absolutely do it. It's important to relax all of the muscles around your pelvic floor that contribute to it's tension, not just internally but externally, too. The whole area from your belly button to your knees is hella important!
#5: Re-evaluate your relationship. When I say this you probably assume I mean with your partner, but I don't just mean that. I also mean with yourself. 2020 was SUCH a bitch to us all that we must be gentle and forgiving to ourselves this year. If you suffered major losses last year don't blame yourself for halting your progress, getting into a relationship because you feared being lonely, or staying in a dead end one because you felt trapped by the lockdowns. Just take some time to figure out what you need now. Is your current partner supportive? Just because they are doesn't mean they're right for you. My longest bf was 100% but were we ever able to have sex? 0%. And you know why? Because he was a mess and wasn't willing to improve himself to lead a better life, so how could I keep working so hard on myself in order to lose it to someone who didn't even deserve it? Impossible or painful PIV sex creates such a complicated dynamic in a relationship that not everyone can handle, and that's ok. Sometimes a guy honestly believes he's up for it in the beginning but later determines he's not. It's not always a matter of being selfish for either party, but aware of each other's limitations and boundaries. It is so SO important for both people to be confident in their bedroom abilities, whatever they may be, to keep the romance and passion alive, so make sure you are both putting in the effort to retain the flame. If either person has distanced themselves consider counseling or at least sitting down for a come to Jesus moment with each other. If your partner isn't an effective communicator or doesn't want to be bothered with assisting you on your journey, you may need to go it alone for a while (my current sitch, thank you, COVID).
Regardless of what you decide to tackle first, your new year could be the golden one where everything changes. Don't give up and know that we are all here for you when times get tough. 2021 has to be better than 2020 so it's only up from here!