Before the end of this month I wanted to dedicate a blog specifically to painful sex since this is an issue for many women out there. Whether you are suffering from Vaginismus, Interstitial Cystitis, or Endometriosis, painful sex can dominate your life and leave you feeling completely isolated in your situation. I'm here to tell you that you're not alone and there are many steps you can take to still have an enjoyable and fulfilling sex life.
What if I can't have penetrative sex? I think it's really important that we shift our focus away from this idea of PIV sex as the only acceptable form. Not only is that homophobic, but it's also an overly traditional and exclusionary way of viewing sex. While intercourse specifically refers to the act of one body part entering another (vaginally or anally) we can still practice outercourse in addition, or instead of, intercourse. What is outercourse, you ask? Well, it ultimately refers to any sexual activity that doesn't involve insertion. This could be a sexy massage, mutual masturbation, oral sex, or my favorite, rubbing together of the genitals. As soon as I realized in college that I was afraid of having "actual sex" I knew there had to be another way to experience intimacy with my long term bf. He basically taught me that I could get on top of him and rub myself up against him to create friction for both of us that can lead to an orgasm. It also works with him on top or me backwards with him rubbing against my back. I've found that since I have so much sensitivity from my Vulvodynia it's often easier to have the guy get off from behind me because he can be rougher and it won't hurt me.
But what if I do want to have intercourse? If you have practiced dilating with your partner (this is really important to help build trust with them and learnt to associate them with penetration) and both feel ready to take the plunge, I have some suggestions to help with the pain. First off, make sure you have lots of good lube at the ready. Next, make sure you do plenty of foreplay before trying insertion. When you dilate with the largest size you'll want to move straight into penetration as quickly as you can because the longer of a wait between the two the more your muscles will start to close up and the harder it will be to get something inside. If you would rather have one of you use a finger to stretch you than a dilator then go for it! I've always hated fingers so I could find a dilator way more comfortable. You can also use a vibrator, which will help relax your vaginal muscles even if it doesn't turn you on. Vibration helps me immensely so I use a cock ring or a finger vibrator against my clit to keep my muscles from contracting during penetration.
What positions should I try to make it less painful? Everyone is different so what is painful for me may not be painful for you. Some women find that rear entry is less painful than front entry. Some women also find that deeper entry is more painful than shallow. It completely depends on the physical elements causing your pain. If deeper penetration hurts you can order the ohnut to use as a bumper so he can't go as deep. If you experience more pain at the entry make sure he enters slowly and that you've thoroughly stretched your entrance beforehand. You also need to consider your legs and hips. Placing pillows beneath your legs to prop them up can alleviate the strain, or underneath the arch of your back for support. My physical therapist gave me pages of positions with orthopedic considerations, which I find helpful because of the list of advantages and disadvantages marked for each one. This allows me to analyze what type of experience I am looking for that day and choose one best suited for what I'm trying to achieve.
If you are wanting more information on how you can make sex less painful try following these Instagram accounts: @pain.free.and.intimate, @the.sextivist, @theladypartspt. Remember, if this is something you've been struggling with for a long time and you haven't been assessed by a pelvic floor physical therapist you should consider doing yourself a favor and finding one asap! The journey to pain free sex is longer for some than others, but getting professional assistance can shorten the wait!