This Netflix documentary explores how people identifying as women experience sexual pleasure, the myths history has bestowed on us, and the facts which make our bodies function in ways we may not even be aware of. It is entirely based on the book, The Principles of Pleasure: Working With Good Stuff as Sex Therapists and Educators, written by Laura Rademacher and Lindsey Hoskins, which I hope to read one day. Read on below for my summary and thoughts on the show.
The list of commentators includes: sex educator Dr. Emily Nagoski (Come as You Are author) who is also a producer, along with others from The Front; Dr. Lori Brotto, the Executive Director of The Women's Health Research Institute of British Columbia; Dr. Emily Jacobs, Neuroscientist & Associate Professor of Psychological & Brain Sciences at the University of California, Dr. Nicole Prause, sexual psychophysiologist & founder of Liberos; Dr. Sarah E. Hill, research psychologist & author of "This is Your Brain on Birth Control"; Allison Davis, features writer for NY Magazine; Dirty Lola, sex educator and dildo slinger; Erika Lust, indie erotic filmmaker; and Michelle Buteau is the narrator and Narika Dekai the director.
Many interesting topics and areas of concern are discussed throughout the three-episode documentary series, with everyday women being interviewed by experts asking them questions about their coming of age, their introduction to sex, dating, what they know about sex and even their own bodies. One topic that came up was new to me: interoception. This refers to a 6th sense where we are hyper aware of what's occurring in our body. I personally think I have this because I can always tell when I’m about to get sick, start my period early, or anything is slightly off. I always say that if I got pregnant, I would know immediately, because that’s just been my experience throughout life.
A lack of sex education, the impact of religion, and shame from ourselves, partners, and society all weigh on our shoulders as they have for women growing up for generations now. It’s so hard to love our bodies and smile at what we see in the mirror because we’ve been trained, internally and externally, to reject it, which makes it even more difficult to gain consent during intimacy since we have to feel comfortable taking up space. I loved their focus and intent on showing all different races, sexualities, and body types to showcase that we all have these fears, difficulties, and negative views of ourselves that are really hard to break.
They asked the age-old question “what is the vulva?” and naturally no one could really answer this correctly. This is something I frequently must explain to those who are new on the Vaginismus/Vulvodynia journey: the vagina is the tunnel on the inside of your body and the vulva is the lips on the outside. A little anatomy 101 can be very helpful to those who haven’t explored their own body yet and I really hope some who watch this find it educational. I was even more glad that they delved into the hymen myth, dispelling the idea that our hymen gets broken like a seal upon penetration and doesn’t grow back. In reality, our hymenal ring simply stretches out of the way and then returns like any other skin and the concept of this symbolizing the loss of our “virginity” is another hurtful invention meant to control us.
The orgasm gap, defined in the preview, is the term for the state that we’re persistently in where women orgasm about 66% of the time during sex and men almost always do. Lesbians score higher, since women have a better understanding of how to please other women (and possibly care more about doing so) but still orgasm less often during sex than cis gendered straight men. This is why acknowledgement that roughly 75% of women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm is SO important and still men and women alike are pretty unaware of this.
Of course, with Emily Nagoski there, I knew the concept of desire would arise. She, as well as others, explains how desire relies on the mind body connection we have with ourselves and others, defines the brakes and the accelerators we experience telling us to stop or go in bed, and the difference between having spontaneous or responsive desire. She then goes on to elaborate on the importance of context making something sexy or not and defines sexual discordance (when something sexual is happening but your body isn’t turned on by it). This was all straight out of multiple chapters from Come as You Are and I loved getting to see the concepts come alive on screen with moving images.
There was a great segment on hormones and how the different phases of your cycle affect your productivity. The follicular phase is when estrogen rises, the egg is supposed to be fertilized, and we eat less. During the luteal phase, however, progesterone spikes and we feel sleepier and hungrier. If you break down your cycle into these components, you can figure out when your body is more prone to creativity and when you should be relaxing and letting your body rest.
From here it was easy to dive into the hormonal birth control pill and how what was supposed to be a fuck you to the patriarchy trying to keep us down really turned into further controlling our bodies. The very pill designed to give women the power to have autonomy over our bodies and have sex without getting pregnant in turn makes you want sex less, makes you depressed, gain weight, break out, and generally miserable about life. I, for one, am SO happy to be off of it.
The concept of masturbation was delved into quite a bit. It’s cited as a treatment for insomnia, depression, and a slew of other ailments, which these sex educators claim could truly revolutionize the way we offer solutions over prescribing medication. They showed many types of vibrators and butt plugs with explanations of how each style works and what you should look for according to your body’s shape/your level of experience. It was refreshing to hear them discuss anal play and how dumb it is that it’s still considered such a taboo topic. We all know the butt is an erogenous zone and it’s perfectly acceptable to take advantage of that.
They didn’t shy away from exploration and encouraging women to engage in ethical porn consumption with their partner. I was surprised to see my audio erotica app, Dipsea, pop up on screen! They featured some snippets from a couple of stories to showcase the impact of listening to a story as a means to engage women.
I was surprised to see a section on sensate focus, step 7 of my Vaginismus program, where you connect with your partner by closing your eyes and simply touching each other's bodies lightly to notice what sensations feel good. They touched on trauma and how this affects the body as well. I wish they would've actually explained Vaginismus here, and the causes and affects that they were swirling around the whole show, but they never quite went there.
They even went into something I learned through a book I read in 2020 about breast cancer, that chemo affects your libido and wetness, which is never talked about. We sympathize with hair falling out, vomiting, weight loss, and general appearance changes, but no one warns you what it’s going to do down there.
All in all, I highly recommend this doc series to anyone interested in a no holds barred approach to women's intimacy issues, for anyone wanting to hear other women’s perspectives, anyone looking to learn about female desire, and anyone looking for comfort in knowing they are not alone in their lack of knowledge and they’re self consciousness about their body.
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