Today is a very special day to those of us out there suffering in silence from this often secret condition. The name Vaginismus in and of itself sounds private and like something to be embarrassed by, but I personally think this should no longer be the case. It feels like every day more people are sharing their stories, acknowledging their pain, and seeking to help others understand what it really means to not be able to achieve what the world views as "normal sex".
What exactly is Vaginismus? Unfortunately, there are many different health conditions that can make sex painful (all of which I'll cover in detail eventually), but for this particular one it is simply a reactionary spasm of the PC muscle meant to guard it from harm. Think of how you blink your eye if something comes toward it. For women with Vaginismus, the muscles which form a figure 8 surrounding our vagina and anus do the exact same thing when something approaches our entrance. This can be a finger, tampon, penis, or anything else.
There are 2 types of Vaginismus: Primary (never had painless sex) and Secondary (can no longer have painless sex). Most of us with Primary Vaginismus don't realize we even have this condition until penetration of some kind is attempted, often shortly after starting our periods. I know for myself it was pretty frightening at the age of 12 to look in a mirror and not be able to figure out where exactly a tampon was supposed to go. "Where is this supposed hole?" I asked myself. I also had no idea that the kind with applicators pop out and you remove the applicator. I thought that somehow the whole thing just fit up there because our introduction to puberty class in the 5th grade only showed how to use a pad (I grew up in a Conservative area). I just decided I wasn't old enough to understand tampons and I'd try again at a later point, which didn't actually occur for me until age 23. I got in my first ever tampon at 25 only because my boyfriend was able to push it in for me while I lay reclined in a bathtub and taking it out is a whole nother story.
What causes Vaginismus? Well, that's typically the tricky part because it's different for everyone. Nearly all of us have been told at some point "it's just in your head", "you just need to relax", or "just have a glass of wine", but of course it's not that simple. Vaginismus usually has a mental AND a physical element to it, because something has to trigger your mind to deem an approaching item as dangerous and thus clench up, but for some people it's entirely mental and others entirely physical. Mental conditions that can cause Vaginismus are trauma such as rape, general fear of sex, strict religious upbringing which viewed sex as dirty or not for women's pleasure, and high anxiety around the act. Physical conditions that can cause Vaginismus are having a tight pelvic floor, Vulvodynia (Vestibulodynia), Pudendal Neuralgia, Interstitial Cystitis, Lichen Sclerosus, Scoliosis, Fibromyalgia, childbirth, hormonal imbalances, or anything else that causes nerve or musculoskeletal pain. Mine is a combination of both, but has turned out to be far more physical than mental due to my curved back, which has led me to develop a twisted pelvis which a slightly slipped disk by my tailbone. This puts extra pressure on my left side and causes nerve pain internally and externally that can be excruciating at times, making sex impossible for me up until 2015.
How do you treat Vaginismus? Naturally, the way you treat yours is entirely dependent on what caused it, so the first step is to try and asses that. It's always advisable to address the mental aspect first because you won't be able to endure physical treatment until you learn to calm your mind and conquer your fear. I recommend journaling and listing out possible causes then discussing with a therapist. I went to a psychologist who specializes in Vaginismus and relationship counseling, as well as 2 sex therapists at the beginning of my journey, to pinpoint the roots and best way to move forward for me. This is how we determined as a team that I needed physical intervention to beat it. The best physical treatments for anyone are using a dilator set every night and seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist. I will have more entries in the future which will further detail how these can help you improve, but make sure to include them in your plan for recovery. Other physical interventions can include muscle relaxers, Vaginal Valium, anti-anxiety or depression meds, nerve pain meds, or Botox injections. Having the right lube for you, free of chemicals, is also very important as the drier you feel the more your body will react and clench. Water based lube is good for dilating because it is thick and non-irritating, but I prefer silicone for sex because it lasts longer and won't dry up in the middle of it. Vaginismus ladies should ALWAYS use lube, no matter how wet you think you are naturally, because you will dry up as soon as your body feels any twinge of fear and once you do you will continue your body's association with penetration and pain. The key element to overcoming Vaginismus is retraining your brain to realize that sex can be pleasurable, or even neutral feeling, so your body will accept whatever is coming and you can get through a pelvic exam, your period, or fun times with your partner. Most importantly, I urge you all to never give up fighting. This condition is more common than you think (up to 10% of women will have it at some point in their lives) and it has a 96% success rate of getting cured!
For further resources to help grasp this at time complicated issue, you should consider joining vaginismus.com (worldwide forum) or thevaginismusnetwork.com (they're in the UK but currently accepting women worldwide due to COVID). They can help you find doctors in your area who specialize in Vaginismus (still harder to come by than you might think), connect you with other women who share your pain, and recommend good products to use to fight this (dilators, lubes, pelvic wands, etc). You can also follow Instagram accounts that offer advice on this, such as my favorites @tightlippedpod, @vaginismussupport, @thevhive, and many more. I will be featuring many more blogs on this topic in the future since it's the one that most dominates my life, so please do share your own experiences in the comments, let me know how you relate, or if you would like to write a guest blog!
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