It's SO important on this journey to have a supportive partner. I've said it before and I'll say it again and again. The early stages of overcoming can absolutely be done on your own, as you work through your fears and start with penetration, but once you've made it through all of the dilators having your partner step in is essential. Below I will detail how and why.
First off, I want to delve a bit into my back story, for those who aren't familiar. It's been a long, rocky road for me trying to beat my Vaginismus. I've had it as far back as I can remember, fearing the idea of penetration since I was 7, having my first traumatizing experience with it at 12, and then avoiding it until 23 when I received my official diagnosis. Throughout all of these years guys have come and gone, some relationships more substantial than others. The main take away I have learned as my love life ebbs and flows is that even if you don't end up with someone, how they assist you in getting closer to your goal matters the most. Regardless of whether you were in love, a fling, or an fwb, each person can get you closer to overcoming, as long as there is trust. So live without regret because even the bad moments have gotten you where you are today.
Let's consider dilating. There are many different sets to choose from nowadays, woohoo, ranging in price and material, and you can select whichever appeals to you most. My strongest advice here, though, is to make sure you are dilating up to the size, if not slightly over, of your current partner. Remember this is in reference to the width, or girth, not the length, so you can't ask the guy what size he is because he won't know. I always just grab the largest dilator and compare it while the guy is erect, sometimes after asking him for permission, and sometimes not, depending on the guy and his pride. I honestly spent years not searching for a larger dilator than the standard ones in my sets because I thought I was using big enough already, but I didn't consider the widest point of the head. My bf kept telling me that the tip would compress, especially with a condom on, so it wasn't necessary to invest in a larger one. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise about something you know is true. Gaslighting is unfortunately common when trying to beat this, whether from drs or sexual partners. Stay strong in advocating for yourself and what you need.
I was actually an unusual case because my fear of penetration was so strong that I simply could not do it myself in the beginning. My bf had to insert the 1st dilator for me and my 1st tampon. We had been together for over 2 years by that point and he was a massage therapist with a deep understanding of the human body, so I felt comfortable letting him try. That may not be the case for you, so if you'd rather embark on the dilating journey on your own first I say go for it. I was just desperate. Once he achieved success with getting them in it gave me a huge confidence boost to try it myself and thus, the 2nd dilator was my first individual success. Please know that just because your partner is a presence there doesn't mean they even have to touch the dilators. They can simply sit next to you and hold your other hand, gently massage your thigh to release tension, or even kiss your neck if you'd like to build a more sensual dilating experience. They are mainly there to help you relax and you get to deem what they have permission to do, or not do, while in the room.
If you have made it through all of the dilators alone and now want to incorporate your partner, the easiest way to slowly introduce them is to have them put a hand on the dilators while you push them in. This way they get a sense of the angle they need to go in and the pressure that you apply yourself to get them there. Have your partner keep their hand on the dilators as you use them to stretch yourself and push them in and out so they are aware of the entire process and not just inserting. Once they have a handle on how it should work, then you can allow them to insert the dilators while you guide them. I like to position it for them and then let go once they start pushing and I'm certain it's going the right direction. I will say this, I don't personally get turned on at all inserting or moving the dilators in myself, but it feels very erotic when someone else does it while we make out. This simple switch up is what retrained my brain to associate penetration with pleasure instead of pain because I was fully letting go and trusting someone to take that plunge with me and having positive results. Now I always do this as foreplay to lead up to PIV.
Now that I've reached the stage where I am actually having pleasurable PIV I can't emphasize enough the importance of communication with your partner. You need to be with someone who will check in with you if they think you are in pain and hiding it well, someone who is willing to stop at any given moment if you are hurting, and someone who won't resent you for trying again another day. Little microaggressions can build into a huge outburst if someone isn't good at admitting how they feel gently but honestly. I've had so many relationships where the guy just held in his emotions and frustrations until he exploded because he just didn't know how to properly express them. This is why couples counseling can be helpful if you are both needing a safe space to release these thoughts. Some of it is a maturity thing, but some it can also be a trauma response. You must keep in mind that your partner has their own history and possibly troubled background that could cause them to fawn (people please), thinking that they are helping you when this is only aids in the short term and actually makes things worse long term. So while Vaginismus sufferers fall into the flight trauma response (our PC muscle closes to protect us from perceived harm, making PIV impossible) our partner could be reacting with fight or fawn as their own response to what's happening.
Overall, just ask yourself if your partner is supporting you in healthy ways that you both deem reasonable and possible, given your current situation and relationship dynamic. They should celebrate wins with you, no matter how small, and not hold losses against you. Whether they are buying you little gifts, writing you a sweet note, or taking you out on a special date, they need to acknowledge your progress in order to be considered a true partner. As Dr. Julia Reeve put it in her book, this person is your accountability partner, so they should both encourage you and hold you to regular dilating sessions, help you or remind you to do your stretches, and read any text you think is valuable for them to understand the condition. Don't give up hope until you've found this person. Some partners may fit part of the criteria and not all, and that's ultimately ok. Take it all in stride and stick with your plan to overcome Vaginismus for yourself, not anyone else, and you will continue to prosper, regardless of who is by your side, or absent, on your journey.