Dilating can feel like a dirty word when you talk about doing this daily since we associate the term with labor and what happens to your cervix as your body prepares to have the baby. However, this shouldn't be a taboo subject for anyone: woman, man, young, old, new to the concept or seasoned dilator. These tools can help people so much on their journey to pain free sex, no matter the background you've come from to reach this point in your life. Let's talk about how to perform this act, how to relax and move up a size, and what tools you want in your arsenal.
What is dilating? Dilators are simply vaginal trainers (either hard plastic or soft silicone) used to gradually stretch your vaginal walls to a point where penetration becomes comfortable. Dilators are generally sold as a set, such as the ones above from vaginismus.com, but can also be purchased individually, such as those pictured below, sold by Soul Source. When selecting your dilators know that plastic ones will give you a better stretch, but silicone ones feel more like the real thing. I use plastic for the medium sizes and silicone for the larger, or when I want to do an extended insertion, since they are more comfortable and don't leave me sore afterwards.
Who should be dilating? As someone with Vaginismus, I bought mine for the purpose of stretching and training my body to stop clenching and let in a finger, tampon, speculum, or penis. For those of us with this condition, when something approaches it "hits a wall", so to speak, as we basically close up to protect our body and prevent entry. However, there are many other conditions which can also require dilating to increase comfort, including Menopause, Vulvodynia, and as a post-surgery recovery, such as from a Vestibulectomy (which I've had) or a MTF sexual reassignment. In both of these instances, your new vagina will be naturally very tight and need to get used to stretching itself.
How do I dilate? The program I went through instructed us to dilate in whatever position we planned to be in during penetration, but I found that this is sometimes easier said than done. Some women find it more comfortable to squat or stand up to dilate, but the most common position is to be half reclining in bed (or on a couch, if you're a pro at this). I find it best to use 2 pillows, 1 flat and 1 on top of it against the wall, to make sure I have proper back support behind me. Place a towel beneath you to catch your lube because this does tend to get messy. Make sure you wash your dilators either with unscented, gentle soap or a sex toy cleaner, mine from Pure Romance pictured below. If you are using plastic ones you can also boil them to kill off any germs.
Another important step to prepare for dilation is to stretch your legs and pelvic region to loosen the muscles which will be used in this process. You can see my previous blog entry here for examples of appropriate pre-dilation stretches. Once you feel good and limber, lay in position and take some deep breaths: in through your nose and out through your mouth. Do as many of these as it takes to calm your mind and put you "in the zone".
After months of difficulty, I read about using a lube shooter to lubricate your inside as well as your outside, because let's face it, dilating isn't the sexiest thing so it's not easy to get naturally wet for the occasion. These are actually intended for anal sex, but us Vaginismus girls need extra help, so I consider it a life saver. Now I do this before inserting anything else because it helps so much! You can also apply lube to your vulva and around your entrance to help with the glide. When selecting which lube works for you, always remember that water based is generally better for your body than silicone, and thicker, but dries up quickly. Silicone is long lasting, but more likely to have unwanted chemicals that could irritate your delicate skin down there. Oil based (like coconut and/or olive and/or avocado) are the most natural but can stain and deteriorate some products (ie: condoms). The most important rules to follow are: a) avoid glycerin and propylene glycol in your lube of choice and b) research what can be used on whatever products you have before purchasing or applying anything (ie: silicone lube will destroy silicone sex toys). I use different lubes for different situations, but feel like I've tried ALL of the brands out there (obviously I haven't really, but I've definitely used more than a dozen). My latest obsession is this lube from Desert Harvest called Aloe Glide, specifically designed for those of us suffering from painful sex, free samples pictured below. For examples of other lubes I use you can check out my image in my previous Vaginismus blog here.
So back to what to do... the trickiest part to dilating is just letting go of your PC muscle to let the dilator in. It took me months, more than a few, to get in that first one, despite it being comparable in size to a finger, but I did find that the smooth plastic allowed for an easier slide than an actual finger with knuckles and nails in the way. Wearing a glove, even if you've washed your hand or your partner's, can make trying to stretch with a finger easier, if you prefer to start that way over using a dilator. Also, using a vibrator instead can be a huge help due to the vibrations tricking your muscles into relaxing, like a gentle massage. Some vibrators can be really intense, with a ton of power, knobs, and settings out to wazoo. Simply for the purpose of dilation, I suggest using a basic, $10 one with replaceable batteries. I always find them more comfortable when the battery starts to die and it slows down a bit.
Whatever you choose to use, once your mind is at ease and you feel comfortable pushing it in you will want to do a reverse kegel to create space for the object to enter. This may sound odd as you try to figure out how to do it, but it's actually much easier than a regular kegel because you just push out, as if you were having a bowel movement or a baby. This allows your PC muscle to open up and let you push in what's coming. Take your smallest dilator, squeeze a line of lube down it (like a hot dog) and spread it all around. Gently push in the tip at an angle going slightly upwards towards. You can take as long, and stop as many times, as you need to get in a dilator. Don't strain or rush yourself. Your pain level should never be above a 3 out of 10. If it is, stop.
What do I do once I've gotten it in? Once the dilator is there, just breathe and allow your body to get used to it. If you are like me and couldn't insert anything before this point, having an unfamiliar object there feels very strange and takes a while to grow comfortable with. After a few minutes of just accepting, then you can stretch your walls by gentle pulling the dilator up, to the sides, and down to the perineum. Don't pull it straight up because you can hurt your urethra, but pull and hold it a few seconds all of the way around your opening the rest of the way until you feel adequately stretched. Once you are comfortable with this you can try moving it in and out. My program called them "rapids", but I don't like this term because you actually do this slowly, or at your own pace until you feel that you can handle a faster motion. If you find the movement easy then congratulations! You are ready to move up to the next size and go through the same process! A dilating session can last from anywhere between 10 and 45 mins, but on average shoot for 15 to maintain the stretch into the next day. If you dilate too short a time then it will be harder to do it again because you will have shrunken back but if you dilate too long, your tissue will be too tender to tolerate another session 24 hours later. Dilate whenever you feel is the easiest, most consistent time for you and make sure to do it every day if you want good results.
It's important to note that everyone's rate of progress is different and we often move one step forward two steps back, so don't compare your success to others on this journey. It took me about a year and a half to get through my dilator set and you know what? I still couldn't have sex with my bf of 3.5 years afterwards. It takes a lot to beat this and sometimes you have to think outside the box and make adjustments for your own plan to make it work for you. As long as you're being safe and careful, go for it! I'll be here rooting for you.