Quite unexpectedly, after 6 months of being single, I managed to pull off the unthinkable. It's been a long time coming, but my progress has always been 1 step forward 13708528 steps back (as I'm sure it feels for many people out there) so I wasn't anticipating anything major happening any time soon. Then, low and behold, sex didn't just feel good, it felt really good, like I'm-on-top-of-the-world-and-want-to-scream-it-from-the-mountain-tops good. Out of nowhere, I orgasmed with a penis inside me, moving and everything! Vaginismus, be damned, I almost completely rid of you! As I spread the news about my joyous occasion the most common question I'm asked is "how did you do it? Details please!" so I'm writing this blog to answer just that.
It's important to remember that these things don't happen overnight and they rarely happen when you plan for them (losing my virginity was the same way). However, there are still things you can do to push yourself in the right direction and make orgasm, or even just pleasurable sex, a possibility for you in this moment. I just finished Come as You Are (review coming next week) and the author, Emily Nagoski, preaches how we must create the right context for desire. This is very true.
I've found it to be incredibly important to trust your partner. This may come in the form of a long standing relationship, or not, but regardless of the current set up you have, this person needs to be someone whom you know has your best interest at heart and would never intentionally hurt you. They need to be performing an act of intimacy with you for the right reasons (such as closeness or a mutual desire for no strings attached play) and not have any ulterior motives. When you trust the person you're with, your body will, too, and you will achieve the sense of "letting go", whether that be leaving behind life's troubles or unclenching your PC muscle.
Make sure to do your pelvic stretches beforehand, increasing your flexibility in your hamstrings, loosening those hips, and massaging any tight knots. This should be done internally, as well, with your dilators or pelvic wand, to make space and release any pressure points prior to entry.
I find it best to start with some foreplay and then move into dilating for about 10 mins before transitioning to PIV sex. This way both of your bodies are getting ready for the main event, warming up to what could be the grand finale. Some people like to continue foreplay during dilation, which can also work wonders as it helps you bond and many guys are turned on by watching you use them or using them on you. This is also a great time to discuss what position you want to start penetration in so that you can seamlessly move to it in a reasonably quick fashion.
In terms of the ultimate switch to PIV make sure you have within reach: lube, toys for clitoral stimulation, a bumper like the OhNut, and a condom (if you need it) plus whatever you're using to clean up. Remember the faster you can insert the penis after removing the largest dilator the easier it will go in and allow for motion. Ask your partner to hold still once it's in until you can take a deep breathe and relax. Once you feel ready try to move yourself so that you are in control. If that goes well, then ask him to control the movement. The "thrusting" you should still be slow and gentle until you can handle more vigorous motion because you don't want to associate your partner with causing you pain or not listening to your directions. If all is well after some time has passed you can take it out and try another position! I suggest not attempting inserting him more than twice in one session if you are still having discomfort because you don't want to end up too sore afterwards. If you do have some redness and swelling, don't worry, this is normal, just have prepared a chilled test tube full of water that you can insert to calm your aggravated tissues. It only needs to go in about 2 inches to cover the entire PC muscle and you can hold it there for 30 seconds to a min.
I recorded a short video showing my tools and explaining how I use them to hopefully help illustrate my process better for those that are interested. Don't worry, there is no nudity or any actual demonstrations in the video, just an overview discussion of the toys on my bed. Please comment below or message me if you have any questions at all!
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