Back when I was first realizing that my body wasn't going to just magically let go when the "right person" came along it was near impossible to find information on "fear of penetration" on the internet. I had never heard of Vaginismus or seen or read about a character suffering from it. Flash forward to now, in the lovely year of 2020, and Vaginismus is popping up all over the place! It's not that more women have it, but simply that more women are talking about it, more often and loudly. The loudest of these women, at least as far as I know, is the infamous Lara Parker. As the deputy director of Buzzfeed, she used her position to create and share a short video about her own experience with painful sex. This little video garnered a lot of attention and ever since she has been speaking out about her struggles with chronic pain enduring conditions such as Endometriosis, Vaginismus, Vulvodynia, Interstitial Cystitis, and PCOS with her signature take no prisoners attitude. Last week she released her first ever book titled Vagina Problems: Endometriosis, Painful Sex, and Other Taboo Topics. I picked this up on its release day at Barnes and Noble and dived in immediately. From the get go I related to her detailed descriptions of her despair lying curled up on the bathroom floor in pain, her explanations of how no matter what she consumes anything can set her off, and of course, having doctors telling her it's all in her head. While I found the text repetitive at times, Lara does an excellent job of painting an accurate picture of what a week in the life of someone with pelvic pain looks like. She doesn't shy away from filling in the reader on the physical and emotional strain accompanying these conditions and how it dominates your thoughts and actions every single day.
There is a predecessor to Lara's memoir on painful sex and that is Susanna Kaysen's The Camera my Mother Gave Me, describing her experience with Secondary Vaginismus. You may recognize her as the author of Girl, Interrupted, her previous memoir detailing her brief time spent at a mental institution with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. The irony of this is that Susanna's BPD diagnosis at 19 meant that she was considered a hoe by 1960's standards, proving that Vaginismus has nothing to do with lack of sexual desire and can happen to anyone. In Ms. Kaysen's case, she developed Vaginismus and Vulvodynia in her middle age with a one inch long twinge of pain on the left side of her vulva, which we know is all it takes to be completely debilitating to your sex life, wardrobe, and comfort while sitting for any length of time. She goes on to tell about all of the various doctors she visits as the pain increases, the alternative medicine attempts, the impact on her relationship, and how isolating it feels to have a pain that no one else understands, but all in a wry and funny tone. This book was written in 2001, long before these vagina problems were being discussed openly on the internet or otherwise. I have a feeling if this came out later than it did it might have gotten more recognition upon release.
Besides these books, Vaginismus is becoming a well used term on TV, hooray! First, we had the lovely, British, Netflix show Sex Education introduce us to Lily, the nerdy sex obsessed high schooler who came to Otis for help with why she can't lose her virginity, despite her intense desire to do so. By the 2nd season we discover that she is a lesbian and has purchased a set of dilators she is working her way through to one day achieve penetration. I love this plot line because, once again, ANYone can have Vaginismus, gay or straight, and it's important for all women struggling out there to feel included in this discussion, regardless of what type of penetration they are trying to achieve. The only complaint I have about it is how seemingly easily the show made it look when Lily just stood with a leg propped up and slid in a dilator with no lube or anything. That wasn't very realistic, but the mere fact that they have a scene where Lily and her new gf engage in mutual masturbation, showing viewers there are other ways to have sex besides PIV, makes up for it.
And last but not least, there is the book turned Netflix limited mini series, Unorthodox, which I consider the queen of Vaginismus stories right now in its honesty and refreshingly brutal portrayal. While I haven't read the book yet (Unorthodox: The Scandalous Rejection of my Hasidic Roots by Deborah Feldman, I watched the mini series with bated breath in 2 sittings as I was NOT expecting anything about painful sex to appear in this story! Unorthodox follows another 19-year-old woman who is Jewish and living in NY with her __. She has an arranged marriage and surprise surprise, finds on her wedding night that they are not able to consummate it. This goes on for months before she sees a doctor in their community who diagnoses her with Vaginismus and gives her dilators to use. Watching the show we see that her husband, Yanky, knows nothing about foreplay and poor Esty experiences no less pain with intercourse after practicing with the dilators on her own. They even show you a very difficult to watch scene of her begging him to just keep going despite the excruciating pain she is in, with close ups of her straining face and all. I found this pretty triggering to watch, as this is how sex feels for me if I actually let a guy control the movement (which is why I don't). Esty's journey through this painful and confusing experience is one many of us can relate to. She is given bits and pieces of information, but not provided actual mental or physical therapy to understand why she has this problem and thus no personalized plan to treat it. The second half of the series veers from the true story which is written in the book, so I won't go into that, but I recommend everyone seek this out as soon as possible!
I guarantee there are more titles out there describing women's sex lives juggling Vaginismus, rather true or fictional, and if you know any please leave a comment with examples below! If you want to share your own story there are zines out there, such as the new release, Opening Up, by @Tight Lipped and Pelvic Velour by @smallsupply, and websites that will share a condensed version of your experience, like The Vaginismus Network. We are breaking the stigma around talking about painful sex one woman at a time and I for one hope that by the time our daughters come of age this will no longer be considered a taboo topic.
