Emotional Intelligence refers to "the ability to monitor one's own and others' emotions, to discriminate among them, and to use the information to guide one's thinking and actions" (Salovey & Mayer, 1990). I just listened to a book about it on audio and did a presentation about it for work so I want to share what I've learned on here as well. EI consists of recognizing one's self and social awareness and regulating one's self and relationship management, as seen below in the chart. EQ means Emotional Quotient and "refers to the ability to understand your emotions and how they work", (EQ Applied: A Real World Guide to Emotional Intelligence) something we should all try to build. There isn't a sure fire way to test EI and EQ, but you can recognize it in another person (and yourself) if you know what to look for.
In a conversation, someone with a high EI will: pause, control their volume and soften their tone, stop speaking, listen, decide to revisit the topic later, consider how it will affect the future, and do a mental preview of a task to see if it's worth it to continue. When speaking they will ask these 3 important questions:
"Does this need to be said?"
"Does this need to be said by me?"
"Does this need to be said now?"
and then decide if they should proceed with the planned statement. Honing the ability to be aware of how your words will affect another human being is a pivotal part of growing up and maturing into the kind of adult others want to surround themselves with.
What life activities raise a person's EI? Watching a moving or reading fiction and and reflecting on the emotions you felt as the characters moved through their lives helps build empathy as you attempt to put yourself in their shoes. Listening to music and paying attention to the feelings it inspires can build self awareness. Playing sports will help regulate emotions if you are learning how to be a good sport when the other team wins. Traveling takes you out of your comfort zone and encourages growth and perspective. Finally, writing not only provides catharsis but numerous other benefits to your mental health as well.
What can you do to improve your habits? First off, the brain doesn't understand the difference between the good and bad habits so we have to rewire it by replacing bad ones with good ones (a concept those of us with Vaginismus are wholly familiar with). The fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses are coping mechanisms our body uses to protect us so in order to change them we need to be motivated, practice the skill until it is internalized, and then apply it (dilating to prepare for sex anyone?).
How does this pertain to Vaginismus? Well, when trying to find an adequate partner to date you should be seeking out someone who is not only capable of understanding what your body is actually doing, but also able to empathize with what you've been through, are going through, and will go through in the process of overcoming. This person must be able to reign in their intense emotions to keep stable in heightened situations, because there will assuredly be some in your future. The 3 types of empathy are cognitive, emotional, and compassionate, and someone with all 3 will be able to go beyond simply understanding your situation and sharing your feelings but actually take action to help.
What are some examples of how a person with high emotional intelligence will act in relation to this condition? Someone who has a good handle on their emotions will not lose their cool when things don't go as planned. For example, it is extremely common for a guy to lose his hard on while waiting for you to dilate or waiting for your PC muscle to release so he can move inside you. A dude with high EI will calmly take a moment and try to get hard again or ask to try another day, not yell, cry, or shut down in reaction. Another example: What if you are trying to insert his penis and it just won't go in? Regardless of whether you have successfully achieved penetration in the past or not, it doesn't change the fact that your partner should be able to take a breath and say "it's ok, let's try again later" and take a break, engage in a different activity that doesn't involve penetration, or reconvene another day without guilt tripping you or sulking. A huge aspect of EI is accepting that all feedback is valuable, so this means if you offer your man constructive criticism about what you would like for him to do differently in bed he should be able to take it in stride and not be offended. Of course you should offer this gently and frame it in a non-judgmental way, but keep in mind that some people can't handle the truth.
"Tact is making a point without making an enemy."
The #1 red flag you should be on the lookout for indicating guys who possess a low emotional intelligence is when they make your Vaginismus about themselves. I've experienced it time and time again in different ways. If he makes you feel bad by claiming you are withholding yourself emotionally by not having sex with him, if he thinks your revelation of having Vaginismus is a promise that you will be sleeping with him in the future, or if he whines that he needs penetration and you're not satisfying him (despite the fact that you've explained in detail what you can and can't do) then this bloke has got to go. It can be extremely difficult to exit a relationship with someone who is emotionally manipulative once you've fallen in love with them, but try to remember, what you love is a façade and not this person's real personality. The most common form of manipulation is flattery, which is motivated by selfishness. Sadly, having a high EI can be used for evil if someone is wanting a psychological advantage by gaining more power for themselves. Narcissistic people will use love bombing to win affection and passive aggressive behaviors to trick you. You want to find someone who is authentic when they say nice things to you and isn't just complimenting you to gain something in return. You also want to find someone who is capable of apologizing to you and forgiving you when appropriate.
All in all, your partner should be just that: someone who complements you (and compliments you), balances you out, and has the same end goal as you. He should be a good communicator, reasonable, down to earth, confident, and have a good sense of self. Someone self-conscious will struggle to be a good support system because he will be too caught up in feeling inept or like he's the reason for your Vaginismus. Ain't nobody got time for that.
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