Matters of the heart tie in closely with pelvic pain issues, so let's talk recovering from break ups when you have Vaginismus, since that's my life right now, haha.
Did Vaginismus cause my break up? This is an age old question that dies hard and I'll be honest with you, while it may be a contributing factor, it's most likely not the main culprit. Vaginismus puts a strain on relationships in often unforeseeable, not easily recognized ways. It creates tension that sometimes builds without a word until someone explodes. It can also find its way into arguments about other topics as it weaves itself through everything else that links you to the other person. That being said, I hear all the time "we broke up for other reasons" and that's been the case with me as well. My recent ex frequently told me "when I break up with you, it won't be because of that" (swoon, right?). Our biggest issue was a common one: communication. This is more key than ever when you have Vaginismus because you must be able to tell your partner when you are in pain, alternative ways to experience pleasure without penetration, and straight up explaining what the condition is and how it will affect you both. It's important to be open and honest about what you're dealing with, even if it feels embarrassing and vulnerable, because it will only bring you closer together.
How do I move on? My little brother recently asked me about his own break up "how do I stop caring?", which stuck with me for a few reasons. It can be interpreted different ways. For some, moving on is a matter of not giving a passing thought to what the other person is up to, for others it means simply replacing them with a new partner. In terms of my own kin, he meant: how does he stop dwelling on the fact that after his ex told him she was too busy to date and they could try again later she started seeing someone else. I found this difficult to answer because unlike most people, my brother doesn't have many friends and doesn't get out of the house much (except when I take him). With my full time job, part time volunteer work, book club, and writing this blog, I don't have an abundance of spare time to drive to the suburbs and take him out on the town. However, I still shared with him the same advice I would give to anyone.
First, you cry it out. Just let the flood gates go and release those emotions until you feel some relief (or dehydration). I always keep some fresh water nearby and buy an extra box of tissues to have at the ready, because I'm known for my sensitive skin, and the salt from my tears will 100% dry out my cheeks if I leave them there (I wish I was exaggerating here, but no joke, I've had a rash for a week before when I let this happen; it's the worst).
Next, distraction is key in the beginning stages. You must keep busy with whatever you can to not focus on what you've lost. This can mean doing activities you know bring you joy and comfort, like rewatching a favorite series or spending time with a friend who always cheers you up, but I also recommend finding a new hobby. Sometimes there is a void left waiting to be filled, so starting something up that you've never tried before can bring an unexpected positive turn to your currently dreary existence.
After this stage comes the acknowledgement and acceptance stage. It's time to take responsibility for the mistakes you inadvertently made in your past relationship and be ok with them. If you feel like you owe the other person an apology that you didn't get the chance to give, and you think they will be open to hearing it, then go ahead and reach out. If not, it can help to write it all down and then throw it away, just to get it out of your system. This is often the most difficult stage because it requires you to dive back into the memories and unfortunate circumstances in the past. It's ok to take your time and really analyze your words and actions for any wrong doings on your part. We can't just blame the other person when things don't work out. Remember it takes two to tango.
Finally, you want to forgive, but not forget. It's possible this person really hurt you and maybe did some cringey things you'd rather pretend didn't happen, but if you hold onto those things you can never truly move on. Whether you need to actually tell this person you forgive them in person or through a message is ultimately up to you, but letting go of the pain they caused you will set you free. It's easy to want to push down whatever happened into a place where it hides, and you think it can't hurt you anymore, but it's important to let your anger, sadness, or bitterness release itself from you. You want to free it from your mind, and don't forget, your body. The Vaginismus body holds onto trauma from the past and lets it control your fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response, causing you to either fight by pushing your partner away, flee by avoiding sex altogether, freeze by clenching your PC muscle shut to prevent entry, or fawn by enduring sex which is painful to appease the other person. You don't want to do any of these outcomes, so practice some mindfulness and being in touch with your body. Let negative feelings go, forgive your ex, and learn from the experiences which you shared. Let the moments you had empower you and build from them to be comfortable and confident moving forward. They are part of your overall journey to beat this.
What does the future hold? Often the future feels daunting when you're carrying the weight of a sexual dysfunction. You question your worth, your attractiveness, and your value to a potential new relationship. Know that you are always an asset, not a burden, to whatever situation you enter into. You are a warrior coming in with a strength guys aren't used to seeing. You've been up against odds others haven't faced and you've learned an astounding amount about the female body, how sex works, and the many ways to build connection without it. You are armed with the knowledge of bonding through prolonged eye contact, mutual masturbation, outercourse, and bring to the table serious oral sex skills. Don't doubt yourself! You are a unique individual with special attributes and viewpoints which any guy would be lucky to have. Regardless of where you currently lay in your overcoming journey, you've already overcome so much just be accepting the issue, identifying it, and working to address it, especially when you do all of this for yourself and not another person. So enjoy your time being single! Don't give up on dilating, stretching, and meditating. Keep up with your goals on your own and when the right person comes along you will be ready to take on the world.
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