Happy New Year's everyone! Next month marks the 10 year anniversary of when I started tackling my Vaginismus so I want to share with you another 10 tips for your own journey.
Dilate with purpose. We all hear that everyone should go at their own pace, and that is true, but if you don’t stick to a dilating schedule then you won’t achieve the results you’re aiming for, simple as that. Make a plan and hold yourself accountable. Assign yourself an accountability partner, as described in Living with Sex by Dr. Julia Reeve, to make sure you do what you set out to do.
Incorporate sex toys. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and again. USE. SEX. TOYS, and not just when you’re alone. 75% of women require clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, so don’t neglect the clit during penetration attempts. You could be in the 25%, but don’t assume you are until you’ve tested this notion. Adding a bullet vibrator by Crave to my line up was a total game changer. The vibrating cock rings I was using before would cause me to tense up the moment they were moved away from my clit, so they only partially helped, though I was on the right track.
Unclench your jaw and your pelvic floor. We know the pelvis is connected to the jaw from how we develop in the womb, and they stay connected as we grow into adults, meaning that tension up above travels down below. Thus, it’s no surprise that a staggering amount of women with Vaginismus also have TMJ. Throughout the day, make it a point to loosen your jaw muscles and then your pelvic floor muscles, while you’re driving, sitting at your desk, or eating your dinner. It’s a simple step that makes a world of difference in training your PC muscle to learn to release at your command.
Practice diaphragmatic breathing. This one sounds easier than it is, but if you aren’t sure what it means, then check out a video like this one from the Pelvic Gym. PT’s can teach you how to do this properly in person, but basically you want to ensure that you are filling up your stomach when you take a deep breath and then letting it out slowly. Doing this before dilation calms your mind and your body to prepare those muscles for release at the onset of penetration.
5. Stretch and fix your posture. Everything in your body is connected and not just your jaw affects your pelvic floor tension. For many of us, musculoskeletal and nerve problems in the back and hips, whether it's Scoliosis, Sciatica, Piriformis Syndrome, or Pudendal Neuralgia, plague us every day. These concerns lead to stiff muscles and directly correlate, and sometimes cause, our pelvic floor dysfunctions. Due to this, it's important to perform pelvic stretches and work on correcting your posture as much as possible. See another video from the Pelvic Gym as an example on how to fix your misaligned posture.
6. Change your lube and position. We hear to use more lube than expected to make sex less painful, and sure this runs true, but it's just as important to identify the right lube for your body chemistry. Steer clear of lubes containing glycerin (as these turn to sugar and will increase your likelihood of a yeast infection) and propylene glycol. Be aware that many lubes which claim to have only organic ingredients don't, so check the label. I swear by Coconu's water and silicone based lubes and Desert Harvest's aloe vera infused water based lube, Aloe Glide. In addition to switching out your old lube for a better one this year, you should also try changing up your dilating or sexual attempt position. I know my program stressed WOT so that you could be in control, but many of us found that put too much strain on our legs so MOT is preferable. For me, I have to start lying sideways with the guy perpendicular to me before transitioning to another position. You can check out my blog on painful sex for more position recommendations.
7. Do your research. I can't emphasize enough the importance of reading, not just articles, but books on these topics. You may think there is too much medical jargon out there, but the sooner you learn the terminology for what is going on with your body the sooner you can advocate for yourself with the doctors and potential partners you meet. You need to not only understand the ins and outs of how to describe why your body refuses penetration, and what specifically it is doing in retaliation of it, but also what steps need to be achieved to fix it.
8. Learn your anatomy. This falls in line with the prior step. Let's be honest, most of us did not get vulvovaginal anatomy 101 in school. It's downright offensive how many of us learn the difference in a vulva and vagina in our 20's. Make sure to look up pictures of the female sexual anatomy so you can explain to people exactly where your pain is (hint: for most of us the most painful part is at the top of the perineum, at 6 o'clock at the bottom of the vulva). It's also crucial that you understand that the spasming muscle in question with Vaginismus, the PC muscle, is located about an inch inside the vaginal canal, which is why everything feels looser once you make it past that point.
9. Stop comparing yourself to others. This can be SO difficult, but it's necessary for your sanity on this journey. Some of us overcome in weeks, some in months, and some (like me) take over a decade. We are all on our own path and each of us has to battle our own mental, physical, or both, issues to get to the other side. Just because someone overcame faster than you does not mean you did something wrong and you're being punished. It does not mean you are any less deserving of having a pain free sex life. Take it all in stride, support your sisters, and know your time is coming.
10. Stop having painful sex. This is the most important one of all, and if you only have one takeaway after reading this, let it be that you are NOT helping yourself or your partner by continuing to have sex that hurts you. Every time you do this you are training your brain to associate your partner penetrating you with pain. This, in turn, increases your fear and perpetuates the cycle that Vaginismus loops through. The best thing you can do for both parties is to stop having PIV until you have successfully dilated up to his size without discomfort. Then, and only then, should you slowly reintroduce sex into your life because your body will be ready to handle it.